CLUELESS REBEL

     You know quite a few years ago I started to assess my pathetic life and came to some strange conclusions. I realized that my opinions and ideas often changed dramatically. What I believed at one point a few years later was gone. This is not uncommon as most hippies from the sixties found out as they got older. One day they woke up and noticed that they had turned into greedy capitalist pigs working at some big law firm defending the likes of Monsanto. Yes we all change at least somewhat over time. This is not a bad thing as that is what freedom is about. Us having the freedom to change our beliefs as we learn more about life.

     Like most people I have had my share of good luck and bad luck. The good luck was being born in Canada and not Quebec. The bad luck was being born in Canada and not the US. The truth none of it was good or bad it was all based on what my perceptions were at the time.... Ok the Quebec thing maybe...  

     Now since my perceptions have changed so many times over the years I no longer trust my genius ideas. You see once one's perceptions change then how good a genius idea looks also changes. To add to that I have often found my best ideas often turned into be my biggest failures and the ideas I wanted to avoid the most turned out to be the best things ever. Life unfolds in strange ways.

     When I got off on one tangent and it was not working out what I would do is talk myself into keep going. Keep pushing harder and harder longer and longer. Years of motivational studies kept me thinking a guy just has to think positive and never give up. Sure that applies in some cases but in a lot of cases no. Sometimes the road gets rough only because it is the wrong galdam road. Either that or it might be the right road but I might just be driving in the ditch. What ever the case in order to tell one has to get very objective and logical at times to do an honest assessment.

     Now if you are honestly  and completely happy with your life then you are likely fine. (or have brainwashed yourself) If not it might be time to own up to the fact your ideas and perceptions about life might need some tweaking. If so don't worry about it. Who said the goal was to get it right all the time. The best discoveries in life often came from huge mistakes. I am pretty sure I have banked up enough mistakes to make me a billionaire in my next life! In the meantime though I am pretty sure I can still make that last gig work.... : )

     A prime example was the old 55 dodge I bought twelve years ago. It sat in my parking spot for years without me doing anything to it. Tons of people wanted to buy it but the bone in my head was far too thick. I brought it up from down in the Seattle area and was not selling it. Turns out of all the 109 vehicles I have owned over the years I kept it almost the longest..., yet never drove it once... Ok actually I did drive it once from across the street.

     Eventually one morning thanks in part to some constant outside advice I realized I never did want the fukin thing!!! I got out of working on cars years ago because I hated working on them. That was the same time I bought my first Harley. So why the hell did I buy another dinosaur like this that needed a ton of work not to mention a shop to work on it?

     Well turns out I had bumped into one of my old photo albums. I guess some of that black mould on it gave me a nostagia infection that went right to the brain. Now don't get me wrong I love classic vintage cars. I did then and still do now. Working on them though is a whole different story. Hate it and always did. To me working on motorcycles was a whole different game. If something breaks it is more of an adventure than it ever was with old cars..., vapor locking at the busy intersection...AGAIN!!! Vapor locking of course was the name you gave anything you could not figure out.

     Anyway the day that pig sold I could barely wait for the guy to geter loaded and the hell out of here. Course the tow guy was fiddling around like it was brain surgery loading the beast. Never seen anyone work so slow loading a car before!!! I figured he was milking the buyer for extra time. I know what it should take as back when I was 16 and a hell of a lot smarter a buddy and I had a vintage car business we hauled more cars up outa deep gullies and from impossible to get places so fast it was unreal.  

     Anyway an hour later the tow truck driver finished the five minute job and off they went. I never felt so good in my life. Right then and there I decided to no longer believe my own bullshit.

     Now just before I bought my last Harley I was on the verge of buying a 2000 Lincoln. It was very low miles and beyond mint. You could have easily put it in a show room and called it new. No one would have questioned it. After the fifth time trying to match schedules with the seller I starting thinking... "is this another one of my great ideas?" Sure enough it hit me like a ton of bricks! No dam way I wanted that POS!!!

     So instead I decided to hit craigs looking for a Harley. Just my luck this gem I had seen on there before was still available! I raced over there..., took one look and knew it was love at first sight. Best thing I ever did as in one year I got more satisfaction out of that bike than I would have ever gotten out of ten of those Lincolns. All because I stopped believing my own bullshit logic and followed that illogical inner intuition that was trying to make me notice.

     So get honest with your self... Which means don't pull out all that justification bullshit that you do on your friends. I know admitting what you got is not what you really wanted is tough but its better late than never. Never furck away life settling. If you don't honestly love your life then admit it and make changes where needed. And no, buying another ego stroker (pacifier) because you can afford it aint going to help. 

     The biggest one for me was doing my steel sculpture for 34 years. One afternoon I was sitting on the couch and it hit me!!! There's no Sasquatch!!! I have been chasing a decent income from my steel sculpture for 34 and it wasn't happening. At least one that would pay my way through law school so I could finally become that lawyer defending oil companies I have always wanted to be. Oh sure I made ten and twenty thousand dollar sales here and there but never enough back to back to start scoping out a new Tesla.

     Then right about the same time another realization hit me. I never really did want to sell my work anyway. The crap was so much tedious work that it is unreal. If I would have sold a lot more I would have been in my dark cave watching a weld puddle for hours on end a hell of a lot more. Honestly not my gig..., even though I tried to make it my gig.

     From that day on I felt like I was walking on sunshine!!! The relief was incredible! I could not believe how great I felt. Four days later I got offered a job managing the ARC again. Great pay and fun work.

     Now I love my steel work and watching the effect it has on people who have never seen it before but did I want to do it for endless hours non stop? No dam way! I got ten times the satisfaction out of managing the ARC than I ever did out of "doing" my artwork. Sure I enjoyed the ego stroking from people who loved it but as far as satisfaction with doing it not one iota. The only thing I did get out of it I enjoyed was the intense focus it took. The only reason for that was the fact that it kept my mind off how bad my life actually was.

     Now it is good to remember here not to throw out the baby with the bathwater. As of now anyway I don't plan to sell my welding gear etc as I still plan to do more of my work. I have some really cool projects that I want to do but no longer "have" to do them. I can now do only the best of my best inspirations if and when I feel like it.  

     So after four years of not doing any sculpture I have to say I have never felt this great! The last two years especially have been the most delicious years of my life. And to be honest most of that time has been spent digging myself out of the hole doing my artwork had put me in.

     Now do I care that I spent/wasted all that time doing my sculpture? Not one iota! Life is a game that has ups and downs. The downs gain us as much value if not more than the ups. Sure it was a bit tedious. But tedious is a part of most journeys as you know if you have driven or flew anywhere that took longer than two hours..., four hours if you live in Alberta.

     Think about it we all know someone who thinks and acts like they knowz it all. Yet those self proclaimed geniuses are flat assed broke, single, desperate and destitute. Yet they still buy their own bullshit theories about life even though they are just not working for them. Most are just too afraid to admit they don't have a clue because if they did they wouldn't be where they are. Believe me I know all about this now. Thus the usual reaction is blame the government, economic situation or some other outside force for their problems. It is so cliche it is unreal and in fact barely have to look anywhere to find one.

     So if you ever want to go on a bit of a real adventure. Try delving into whether or not you really want what you "got" If not you don't have to shoot yourself you just have to start moving in the direction you really wanted. You see when I quit my art someone asked me what I was going to do then to get by. Well first off I was not getting by and second I did not care. Even though the demand for lazy assed drop out uneducated losers, with a rusty truck, and poor work records like myself was zilch to none. It would unfold and sure enough it has so far. Think of Raiders of the lost Ark... Or one of those shows where watzhiz name has to step off the cliff before the bridge appears.

     And never worry if the bridge doesn't appear. The fall is not that far and it is a fall we will all eventually do... Hopefully after you reach eighty or a hundred of course but most here don't know when their sentence here is done. To quote Shimoda from Richard Bach's "Illusions" "If you are still here your work is not done" Oh and worrying about the ending will keep you from starting the beginning.